Keep digging your own grave.
"Okay that’s not necessary from him. Don’t feel bad girl. Clearly it’s way harder for him to get over you than you over him so it only makes sense for him to blow up on you. If he didn’t say anything, I would say yeah maybe meet up with him when he comes to Austin. Now I don’t think you should because clearly he doesn’t deserve to see you."
"You’re like 22 girls in one."
I’m so tired of the way you turn my words into
Deception and lies
Don’t misunderstand me when I try to speak my mind
I’m only saying what’s in my heart
Every once in a while.
I think of him. Maybe since the last time he and I spoke to each other it’s a little more often than usual.
He’s probably having the time of his life out there. Being happy - something he couldn’t find within the last year of our relationship.
Bah. I get into these moods more often than I did a few months ago. One…two…five months? It’s been that long? It’s almost half a year…
I think about the possible future; like, I still have a place for him in my heart. He was my first love. We shared everything - mostly. But he was the only person that I had who close to me. Maybe I’m saying this because we were so intertwined. Our bodies got used to each other and we feigned when we had to be apart. Now there’s this distance and I guess maybe we still feel a pull. Or maybe it’s just me feeling this alone. I mean we felt that feeling before - we know it well. The distance we shared in the first years of knowing each other is the same we share now. Except that we are not an item. Just two lost people in the confusing world that this is.
Will we meet again on good terms? I would love that. I wish to be able to talk to him normally and work things out but there’s a big part of me that’s so scared - so so scared to the point of exhaustion. I tense up and continue to build this vicious wall to keep me from allowing myself to get hurt. ESPECIALLY from him. He was my dearest, my heart, he was everything to me. And he hurt me. I left my family to be with him thinking I can finally live freely and be with the one person what can hold me tight and stand by me no matter what. I feel betrayed. Just like I did with my family. And these feelings I get when I am alone - they are dangerous.
I mean I tell myself “Maybe, maybe we can try. Maybe it will be different. Maybe it will be grand.” But then I think of the risks: I can’t put my life on hold. I don’t want to put all that effort in again just to be taken for granted once more.
Who am I kidding. I still love him. If he completely changed and showed up one day to talk over dinner, I’d probably take him back in a heartbeat. But is this just me talking because its easy to come back to? It seems comfortable and would not require any more time spent getting to know each other because we have chemistry already. Easy…right? But still sometimes I think of the moment when you could be the one for me.
What am I to do…
Something made me go onto his 500px website today and seeing all those photos made me sick almost. They’re pretty, good works, but for some reason I couldn’t get this sick idea out of my head. His conniving smirk, the way he liked to talk girls up and flatter them like he used to behind my back, they way he used to socialize with other girls the way he never could with me. I wanna throw up at all the imagery. Ugh.
It’s always a good thing to be reminded of how much you take little things for granted when unfortunate happenings come your way. The AC was out yesterday and the mere feeling of the semi-warm air coming from the fan made me smile in relief knowing how I was going be just that much cooler when I was going to sleep last night.
Sleep was okay, nothing new. I’ve been pretty restless lately. Most of it is because I’ve been sick. The other half I’m not particularly sure. Probably dreams throughout the night that I never seem to be able to recall in the mornings anymore.
Started my day off early. That too is always a good feeling. A pretty decent night’s sleep (considering most nights are restless) and being able to wake up, freshen up, and get ready for the day. Feels productive even though I say that while I am typing this. Haha!
"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go."
If you want to be beautiful
buy flowers and take
them to the cemetery
If you want to be free
write a letter to the person
you hate most then realize
you do not hate them
If you want to be wild
wake up at 6 AM, drink
hot coffee and watch the
If you want to be happy
smile at every person
you see even if they aren’t